Epic Fails

I just noticed that the last three posts in a row might make it seem to some that I'm trying to make my own FailBlog or something. I assure you there can be only one.

Indict Rumsfeld

Now that a bipartisan report has been released that concludes Donald Rumsfeld is directly responsible for the deplorable, illegal abuse of detainees in Gitmo and Abu Ghraib, we can expect Republicans and Democrats alike to call for Rumsfeld's extradition to the Hague, right? Because if nothing else, Congress is all about accountability.

No?

More So-Called Experts

Even with the global economy in a free-falling collapse, there's still some funny to be had out there. For example, just check out these expert opinions.

Peter Schiff, aka Mr. KookyPants

No commentary is necessary.

Memo to Staff: I Was a Really Awesome Boss, Weren't I?!

The LA Times (which, as far as I know, is not yet bankrupt), reports that the White House has sent a memo to Administration officials that specifies how President George W. Bush should be remembered. The talking points include:

• he kept America safe after 9/11
• he saved the economy after 9/11 by cutting taxes for rich people
  
• he "promised to raise standards and accountability in public schools -- and delivered the No Child Left Behind Act" (yes, an actual quote)
• he responded to the current economic crisis "with bold measures to prevent an economic meltdown"

Many of Bush's accomplishments were not mentioned by this story, and it is unclear at this time whether they were also not mentioned in the memo. Among them:

• he liberated the people of Iraq from a brutal dictator, allowing many more Iraqis to die free per year than who died annually under Saddam's subjugation
• he taught the people of New Orleans a very valuable lesson: that God helps those who help themselves
  
• he ably demonstrated that oil/gas/coal-friendly energy policies would NOT destroy the Earth in eight short years
  
• he became an inspiration to working people everywhere by taking one full year of vacation during his first five years in office
• he dramatically demonstrated the malleability of the US Constitution, forcing it to bend and twist in ways previously unimagined
• he taught Jews the true meaning of Hannukah
  

I'm sure you can come up with many more of W's inspiring accomplishments. Feel free to add them to the comments.

Funny, In a Vomiting-Hobo-Clown-In-The-Gutter Sort of Way

If you can't read the text, it's this:

You probably thought it was smart to buy a foreign import of superior quality, with better mileage and resale value. Maybe you even thought that years of market share loss might prod us into rethinking our process and redesigning our products with better quality in mind. But you forgot one thing: We spend a shitload of money on lobbyists. So now you're out $25 billion, plus the cost of your Subaru. Maybe next time you'll buy American like a real man. Either way, we're cool.

Isn't that hilarious? BTW, the average cost of the bailout is $250 per household. Which is not the real cost, as 40% of the population do not pay federal income taxes. So if you're not part of that bottom bracket (lucky guy!) you're paying even more.

Of course, this pales in comparison to the $7000 per household that we're pushing to our good friends in the financial industry. If you really want someone to be pissed at, punch the next investment banker you see right in the face. He deserves it 28 times more than a car industry executive.

Special X-Mas thank you to Devin for the linkage.

OMG! STFU! Bush Screwed up the Whole Government?! No Way!

Facetious post title aside, it is difficult to look at the Bush Administration's record and fail to conclude that the US government has been deliberately trashed.

Check out the synopsis of a big GAO report at MoJo. It starts with the Dept of Homeland Security:

The section on DHS begins with the big picture: "The department lacks not only a comprehensive strategy with overall goals and a timeline, but also a dedicated management integration team to support its management integration efforts."

So the biggest government agency EVER needs a mission statement. Wow. Is it not hilarious that Bush 'won' reelection by scaring people about national security? (Hilarious, of course, in a 'I must laugh now so that I don't bite my own tongue off in agony' kind of a way.)

Don't miss the part about the Dept of Energy, which really says everything you need to know about how Republicans approach government:

The department [of Energy] is planning an $80 billion modernization of the nation's nuclear weapons complex. But the modernization...is being planned without "clear requirements from the Department of Defense about its weapons and stockpiling needs," says the GAO. Consequently, the department may be building nuclear complexes that are potentially not needed or properly designed. The department's ... contract management has been on the high-risk list since 1990 for "fraud, waste, abuse, and mismanagement." ... According to the GAO, the department lacks staff with project management experience.

I don't think I need to emphasize any portion of that with bold letters or anything, do I? Holy CRAP is our government screwed up!

Note that one agency not on the list is the Social Security Administration--the one Bush wanted to privatize because he seemed to think was the biggest problem a while back.