Predictions for 2009 and Beyond

As regular readers of this web log are aware, I like to post my predictions for the new year. Mainly it's handy for taunting people with "nya nya-nya nah boo-boos" because I always turn out to be so spot-on correct about everything, but also it gives my gambling-addicted extended family something to bet on. They never make any money, sadly, because they never bet against me, which can really screw up the profitability of a wager.

Anyway.

Here come my predictions for 2009 (and Beyond).

1. there will be a surge of funny. Comedy always sells well when nothing else will.
   
2. expect a lot of growth in the Bad Stuff sector.
3. tapered pants will make a big comeback. Snug around the ankles. Real horrorshow '80's shit.
4. the US Capitol will be rebranded the "Apple^® American Democracy iPavilion."
5. teenagers will collectively express disdain for all forms of sexual contact. "Ick," they will say. "That is SO gross." (This one might take until 2010.)

6. former Treasury Secretary Henry "Hank" Paulson, during a book tour to promote his hagiography of George W. Bush entitled Chronicle of the End Times: How to Devour America in Three Easy Steps, will have his artificial human skin forcibly removed by a crazed fan, revealing his true reptilianoid self.
7. the mummified corpse of Dick Cheney will embark on a World Tour, encased in a spit-proof shell of transparent resin. No cemetery, municipality, private landowner or organization of any kind will permit his remains to be buried in their land. Nor will anyone provide the necessary funding to blast him to the sun in a rocket. E'er Cheney shall wander the Earth, unable to find a resting place, and he shall become known as "the Necrid Nomad".
8. Dean Barkley will be declared the winner of the 2008 Minnesota Senate seat race after a special election is held following the sad occasion at which Coleman and Franken wind up in jail for killing their lawyers in separate but simultaneous incidents.
9. the price of a gallon of gasoline will fluctuate.
10. new reality shows will debut on television that test the limits of human stupidity and/or depravity