Monkey Butter -or- Why I Love the Internet

So I was watching the Colbert Report, and Stephen made a reference to "monkey butter". Made it sound like something dirty. Naturally, involving the word 'monkey' as it does, I found it hilarious. (Put 'monkey' in front of just about anything, especially something incongruous, and there's a very good chance I'll find it funny. I'm annoyingly juvenile that way at times.)

So I thought, 'I'm sure it's taken, but I suppose there's a remote possibility that MonkeyButter.com is available.' So I searched, and of course it is. Then I did a Google search, and I found some great stuff.

First off, the recipe:

To make monkey butter, combine one mashed banana with 2 Tablespoons reduced-fat peanut butter, 1 cup vanilla yogurt and 2 teaspoons cinnamon sugar.

It's from a french toast recipe published on the Kansas City local Fox affiliate website that actually sounds really good. If it does turn out to be good, it may be the first positive thing I've ever heard of a Fox 'news' program contributing to society.

Then I went back to my search results (even after already having learned something new for the day), and discovered:

Monkey Butter
American Poetry Review, The, Nov/Dec 2002 by Lux, Thomas

Oh monkey butter's tasty, tasty,
you put it in cookies and pie,
you use it in cake, I can't tell you a lie:
don't be light with it, nor hasty
to push it aside. It's not too sweet,
with a light banana-y hue,
the monkeys all love it,
and so will the one you call you
the you who's another you want to love you.
Put it in his pudding, in her pastry puff,
then sweep the table of all that other stuff.
Later, leave a little in his left, her right, shoe.

I'd never heard of Thomas Lux, but it turns out he's no slouch.

I also discovered that you can buy all kinds of merchandise bearing the text "Everybody loves the monkey butter." Thanks, 'chaoskitty'!

I have no idea what's going on with this.

And finally, the wikipedia entry. Deliciously, there's a link to a monkey butter recipe at the bottom of the wikipedia entry, which turns out to be the exact same page I started with -- the recipe from the Kansas City Fox affiliate!

Having come full circle so neatly and satisfyingly, I have satiated my curiousity about monkey butter, and can put that behind me and sleep comfortably. Which is more than I can say for my recent brush with Snakes on a Plane. Seriously -- wtf?

Actual Treason. What'll (or Did) the Wingnuts Say?

While the wingnuts on the right are going batshit over the NYT's disclosure of information that Bush himself bragged about publicly two years ago, an actual, seemingly clear-cut case of treason -- actual treason -- was perpetrated nearly three years ago and I'll bet nearly no one has heard these guys' names.

The headline is linked to an almost three-year-old article in the Sydney Morning Herald about a couple of shitheels sent by Doug Feith to Paris to meet in secret with an arms dealer who was involved in the Iran/Contra nastiness back in the 80's. One of those guys' name is Larry Franklin. If his name sounds vaguely familiar, it might be because he was previously (previous even to the smh article) installed in Rummy's OSP where he stovepiped bullshit WMD 'intelligence' that helped generate the rationale for the Iraq invasion. Furthermore, as his bio at wikipedia points out:

Lawrence Anthony Franklin is a U.S. Air Force Reserve colonel who has pled guilty to passing information about U.S. policy towards Iran to Israel through the American Israel Public Affairs Committee (AIPAC), the foremost pro-Israel lobbying organization in the U.S, while he was working for the Defense Department.

In other words, this guy had already pled guilty to a traitorous act, yet he continued to work for the DoD, and committed another by having secret negotiations with an arms dealer, seeking to undermine US diplomatic efforts with Iran.

Not sure why this article was linked from Buzzflash today, but perhaps because it's such an effective illustration of the extreme hypocracy of this Administration. They'll goad their minions to attack the NYT for reporting the news, some of whom even suggested that NYT reporters should be shot by firing squad for treason, while the real traitors, who are chummy with high-ranking Bush Administration officials (not the least of whom is the SecDef himself) walk around committing actual treason repeatedly and in anonymity.

The Myth of Al Qaeda

Quite a good article from Newsweek about how the Bush Administration has wildly exaggerated the strength of al Qaeda while simultaneously helping them becoming a stronger threat.

ITMFA!

An Open Letter to Senator Barack Obama

Dear Honorable Senator Obama:

Today I read an article in a newspaper that attributes a number of disturbing remarks to you regarding religion and your belief that Democrats should reach out to Evangelical Christians. Some of the things you are quoted as having said are deeply troubling and make me wonder whether you've been living in Candyland for the last several years.

Many of the Evangelical Christians to whom you refer are people whose beliefs are in direct conflict with the principles of the Democratic Party -- or at least the Democratic Party that once was. I understand that the current political climate is one that finds Democrats hunted as traitors, but this is all the more reason to hold the line on those core principles that should set the party apart from the Republican Party, to which greed is a virtue, corruption is simply business-as-usual, and the US Constitution an annoyance.

Instead of holding the line and firming your resolve, you and many of your colleagues have cowered in fear and continually stepped further to the right. I cite the Democratic Party's official position on gay marriage as one of many examples. The Evangelicals you court detest the concept of gay marriage, and the most extreme among them celebrated Matthew Shepard's brutal torture and murder. Yet by the time my children are grown, I hope and believe that they will regard a gay couple's right to marry as self-evident, and will ridicule your generation's struggle with the subject. The fact that it was ever subject to debate should seem preposterous to them.

In your short time as a US Senator, I'm sure you've received many letters from concerned constituents regarding a variety of issues. How many of those letters have been from people of identify themselves as Christians, and were writing to express their outrage over the Bush Administration's insistence on its right to torture people at will, or detain people indefinitely without access to a lawyer and without having any formal charges filed against them? How many letters from Christians have you received that decried the ongoing bloodbath in Iraq, or expressed concern over the erosion of their privacy rights vis-a-vis the Administration's domestic spying programs, or urged you to sponsor legislation to end capital punishment at the federal level? How many letters have you received from Christians that urged you to take action on the climate crisis we currently face, regarding us all as stewards of God's creation? In short, how many letters or phone calls, Mr. Senator, have you received from constituents who self-identify as Christian who seem to possess values consistent with the principles inherent in our Constitution, much less those of the Democratic Party?

I'm going to hazard a wild guess here, and presume the answers to those questions to be none, zero, nil, zilch, and none.

On the other hand, how many letters from Christians have you received that urged you to take an action that is in direct oppostion to your party's principles, such as curbing 1st Amendment rights, or denying a woman's right to choose, or supporting an illegal war of aggression fueled by lies? I'd guess a great many on that score.

You said that "secularists are wrong when they ask believers to leave their religion at the door before entering the public square." I could not disagree more. That is exactly what they should do. Our highest law is the Constitution, Senator, not the bible, and not only is it possible to discuss matters of morals and ethics without bringing religion into the discussion, it is your duty to do so. If you heard a strange whirring sound as you spoke those words, no doubt that was the sound of Thomas Jefferson's bones spinning in his grave.

I'm sure there are a number of American Christians who would rather enshrine the Sermon on the Mount than the Ten Commandments and who actually make a sincere attempt to follow the teachings of Christ. Sadly, it seems to me that these Christians are a tiny minority, while the vast majority of them are pig-headed, ignorant hypocrites who would rather see our nation become a theocracy under King George than preserve our crumbling democratic values.

It is furthermore my opinion that anyone who believes the world was created by some sort of invisible Supreme Being, or believes the bible to be the literal word of God, or who truly believes that the Book of Revelations contains an accurate description of events yet to unfold is a person who is mentally ill, probably psychopathic, and requires treatment.

But I'm willing to make you a deal, Senator: I'll leave that particular belief of mine at the door before entering the public sphere if these crazies to whom I refer can be convinced to do the same. And I guarantee we'll all be better off for it.

Israel Pumps up the Stupid

Normally I have little to say about major news items, mostly because everything to say - brilliant, retarded and the vast area in between - is said within a few hours all across the web. But Israel's new and improved way of dealing with militants is astonishing in it's short-sightedness. I just have to say a few words...

How does Israel think that this move will benefit them in any way? They're sending a military force into an intensely hostile and culturally incompatible region, hoping to scare a large number of well established militants by driving around their fancy tanks and planes. I'm not sure who came up with this strategy, but my money is on the scenario where the missing soldier is not returned alive, soldiers are frustrated by alternately elusive and vicious adversaries, and the general populace hardens itself even more against the occupiers. Intimidation does not work on people who have nothing to lose; there are few people more desperate and hopeless than the people of Palestine.

Perhaps the government of Israel wants to capitalize on the chaos that's followed the election in Palestine. If that's the case, they're doing precisely what they shouldn't be. Instead of letting Hamas and its rivals tear themselves apart, Israel has given a large, clear, immediate target to the warring factions.

I'm can't say what the government should have done, as I cannot begrudge their desire to return one of their troops; maybe they could use some of their ninja-Jews that have earned such a widespread reputation. But really, the least they could have done is look across the desert and taken a long, hard look at how America is doing in Iraq. Nothing good will come of this.

Katrina Victims: Here's another kick in the nuts for ya!

This article details the staggering waste and fraud of the Bush Administration's response to the Katrina distaster. Oh my oh my.

In other news, I understand this years' Independence Day celebration in Washington DC will feature a spectacular display of fireworks made almost entirely out of 100-dollar bills.

Barack Obama Wants to Pull the Plug

We've been frustrated by the weak and fluttering lifesigns of the Democratic Party for years now, and Barack Obama seems to feel it's time to pull the plug and take the Party off life support. What the hell, he says, having functioned with only one party running everything for the last 5+ years, it's clear that the Democrats are superfluous. We really only need one official American Christian Party of Praise Jesus and Fuck Democracy.

"It is doubtful that children reciting the Pledge of Allegiance feel oppressed or brainwashed as a consequence of muttering the phrase `under God,''' he said. Wrong. He never contacted me. If he had, I'd have told him that in the third grade I stopped saying the 'under God' part because I thought it was brainwashing nonsense. "One nation, mmm hmmm, with liberty and justice for all," I'd say. (Yeah - we had to recite the pledge every day at Harvey Dunn Elementary.)

"Kneeling beneath that cross on the South Side of Chicago, I felt I heard God's spirit beckoning me,'' he said of his walk down the aisle of the Trinity United Church of Christ. "I submitted myself to his will and dedicated myself to discovering his truth.'' Really, Senator Obama? That's a goddamned shame, because I'll bet a lot of Illinoisans voted for you thinking that you were dedicated to discovering signs of a democratic system of government hidden away somewhere in D.C.

"Secularists are wrong when they ask believers to leave their religion at the door before entering the public square," Obama said. Way to go, Senator. Why not go for a walk and take a piss on the Jefferson Memorial, while you're at it? You might as well for all the disdain you've just demonstrated for the principles of the Founding Fathers.

Any Christian with a respectable moral code will vote for Democrats because the Republicans are a bunch of corrupt and hateful psychopaths. If Obama thinks that Democrats can (or should try to) compete with the likes of Rick Santorum and Falwell and Robertson for the affections of looney-ass pseudo-Christians, he's engaging in the same bullshit swing to the right that has been a formula for failure for Democrats for the last several elections.

When are these Democrats going to get a clue?

Once again, I have to repeat my call for the official end of the Democratic Party. Obama, Clinton, Lieberman, Biden, and the rest of those 'centrist' Republican-lite legislators should just make it official and join the Republican Party, and the remaining actual Democrats like Russ Feingold and Jesse Jackson Jr ought to become the new leaders of a new party that embraces and advances true democratic principles rather than constantly attempting to assimilate messages and mutate their values into something palatable to people too stupid or too authoritarian to comprehend or value the US Constitution.

Gay Fetuses!

So there's more evidence that homosexuality is determined before birth. Watch as the far-right bible-banging wingnuts' heads explode as they attempt to reconcile their hatred of all abortions and gays. Whatever will they do when a test is developed that can determine the sexual orientation of a fetus? My hope is that it will cause a severe split in their ranks, with those who want to abort the gay zygotes on one side, and those who want to kill the gay zygote abortion supporters on the other, and when the smoke clears, they'll all have killed each other and Jesus will return and say, "ok, now that those crazy fuckers are gone, let's get to work!" When asked why he didn't return sooner, Jesus will reply, "what, are you shitting me? Those people were scary! How long do you think a dingy, dark-skinned gay Jew could've travelled around preaching a message of peace, love and forgiveness before I got my skinny ass thrown in a mental ward or prison?! Sure, I died for the sins of you hairless monkeys, but I'm sure as shit not going to rot in prison forever for you! Do you have any idea what your prisons are like on the inside, by the way?" When pressed on the gay thing, Jesus would admit, "ok, I'm not technically gay, but you think that would've mattered to those freakazoids?"

Meanwhile, the Pentagon recently categorized homosexuality as a mental disorder. Because, you know, that's their forté, after all -- the categorization of psychological disorders. A lot of psychiatrists consult the Army field manual when uncertain about how to proceed in treating their patients.

YouTube Greatest Hits Vol. I

I was reading Vonnegut's "A Man Without a Country" last night wherein our undercelebrated national treasure wrote: "No matter how corrupt, greedy, and heartless our government, our corporations, our media, and our religious and charitable institutions may become, the music will still be wonderful."

I'd sacrifice a testicle to be able to go back in time to see Stevie Wonder perform in a small-to-medium sized venue in 1973. Since I don't know anybody with a time machine, I was delighted to come across (via BoingBoing) a couple of videos of Stevie Wonder on YouTube performing on... wait for it... Sesame Street! Holy hell, is that guy the cat's pajamas or what? I swear I felt something move in my pants during his Sesamelicious rendition of Superstition. I believe I can say with a high degree of certainty that's the first time I've ever even come close to getting an erection from watching Sesame Street. Then again, now that I think about it, if I'd been a bit older when Maria was younger ... rrrrrraarrr! I'll tell you what -- if I could go back in time for a Wonderful performance like that, I hope that I could let loose and get down like that kid with the big hair up on the fire escape! I've never seen a little kid boogie like that! Did a lot of kids dance like that back then? I was around, but I don't remember because I was young enough to have still been shitting my pants back then. Maybe if people were still making music that fucking cool more people would be dancing like that.

Which reminds me: Michael Franti's got a new one coming out soon, and he made a movie, too, that chronicles his experiences visiting Iraq and Palestine a year or two ago. Looking forward to both.

But back to the YouTube gold...

I've never seen Maury Povich's show before, and until now I don't think I've even seen a clip from it, but if the pickle girl is the sort of thing that's typical for a Maury broadcast, I may have to start TiVoing that shit, because that is Quality Television. Oh, how I laughed and laughed. The comments really enhanced the experience too. I don't believe for a second that the girl is sincerely terrified of pickles, but she sure put on one hell of a show! Warning: set your beverages aside while you watch this 4 minutes of tv gold, because otherwise you could easily spray milk through your nose all over your screen. Or soda, which kinda stings.

Too Disgusted to Comment

This stunning maneuver of the Bushies to finish the job of destroying what's left of our federal government (at least the atrophed portions that exist (barely, on a feeding tube) to serve and protect the people of this country rather than those that exist to comfort the comfortable) is so mind-bogglingly, sickeningly evil that I can offer no commentary on it for fear of either a) not being able to stop once fully engaged in a furious rant, or b) smashing this keyboard in anger. It's not the keyboard's fault, so provide the commentary yourself.

Thanks to Bokonon for bringing this to my attention and getting me good and pissed off.